Here I go again! It’s been a while since I’ve written about my favourite topic… The French, English battle.

And today it is going to be about… SEX! “OH MY! What did she just say?!” Yes, sex, shagging, fucking… all those kinda things. There is a rumour that the French are, I am sorry to tell you, better in bed than the English. Both genders too I’m afraid. Why? Well, it’s pretty simple.

The French female lionesses

1. Who invented the ‘French kiss’ huh?!

For some people, kissing is actually more intimate than sleeping with somebody.  So from that point of view, what better way to start spreading your love than with a French kiss? It sets up the atmosphere and will tell you if you are going to have a great or shit time. Passionate kissers are likely to be passionate lovers, tender kissers will be tender lovers, bestial kissers will be bestial lovers, ‘Grandma’ kissers will be….POOR YOU! Yes, a great kisser is most of the time a great shag. What about a bad kisser? I don’t know, I am French.

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2. French women play hard to get

This might be a big cliché but entering a club, you will be able to say which women are English, and which ones are French. English girls might come straight to you, shake their booty in an outrageous, sexy… kind of way, and grab you for some cheeky time in the toilets. French ladies? Ah, don’t bother. They are just gonna ignore you, with their chin up, an arrogant look about them and ‘fuck off’ written on their foreheads. That my friends, is a proper turn on.

3. We’re passionate felines

Oui oui oui. Sorry to break your dreams about this perfect image of French womankind – soft and romantic, waiting for you to sprinkle delicious petals on the bed and… BLABLABLA! We are Latin! ‘Caliente’ you know?! We are DRAMA QUEENS and we love the intensity! We might be colder than British ladies at first but never forget the famous adage; ‘Cold in the streets, hot in the sheets.’ So cut the bullshit and get straight to the point. Being romantic is not about being cheesy. Think Beethoven or Wagner, not Mozart.

4. Because it is a cliché and I am French

The French gentlemen conquerors

I’m sure both are lovely when they actually love and respect their partner. But still, here we go.

1. Kissing counts you guys!

This first cliché is related to Female point one (see above). French people love kissing and I guess it’s a cultural habit, a Latin gene we have you know. Kissing is to a great shag what Marmite is to bread, or peas to carrots, or even ciggies to black coffee – inseparable pleasures. If you know how to use your tongue in a mouth, on the back or the neck, no doubt you’ll be good at the other stuff. That my friends, is the shortest way to women heaven. But be careful, do the right kiss at the right time. Being a slobbering dog is not a good trait either.

2. What women have down there is not a piranha! It is a fuc***** vagina!

Ok so apparently there is something British guys don’t like about our “private parts”. Maybe someone can shed the light on that for me? I am definitely not an expert when it comes to sexual intimacy with you gentlemen, but it seems that my French pals get what it’s all about. If we put the effort in to satisfy you, why don’t you? Please stop waving your penis in our faces and think it leaves us gagging to give you a blowjob. Especially if you are unwilling to return the favour and go down on a girl.

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3. To fuck and stalk vs To make love and leave

No girls, just  because you had an amazing night with a French guy doesn’t mean he’ll call you back! That might also be the case with an English bloke. French guys are known to be courteous gentlemen, but this is only when they have a target in mind. They can seem very into you and very loving in bed but don’t be silly; it is not because you had the greatest night of your life that they will call you back.  They make love to women as if they have a connection, being each other’s world, even for a one-night stand. Remember though, they are love wanderers and their wanderlust will always win. Especially when it comes to women. On the contrary, it looks like more than making love, English gentlemen are into fucking – simply fucking. Of course with passion but with a willingness to demonstrate their great value and experience. Wrong! We are not porn stars, neither are you. Stop trying, just go with the flow, it’s not a contest! And the next day, don’t text your lady about 30,000 times to say “thank you”, “it was great”, “when are we seeing each other again”, “smiley”, “bye”, “smiley”, “xxxx”, “smiley”! Incessant texting and stalking are not an appealing trait. 

4. English or French, they are men. They are stupid.

To put it in a nutshell – This is actually how they taught us in France to finish an essay in English… hilarious, I know, as a French woman I might sound arrogant, but the French definitely have something different…

5. We speak the language of “l’Amour”

Let’s be honest, dirty words are sexiest in French rather than in English. A couple of weeks ago, an Australian friend of mine asked us for the translation of different sexy words in French, planning to surprise her lover in the middle of their private moments. And, apparently, it worked. “Prends moi” rather than “Take me”, “J’ai envie de toi” instead of “I want you”. These are just few examples. If you don’t believe me, listen to the famous “Je t’aime, moi non plus” by Gainsbourg and you will see!

Don’t worry Roastbeefs, you are not too bad yourselves and you also have an array of good attributes.

Big bisous.

PS: English mates, I love you!

Written by Mazza Claverie

Illustrations by Vicky Mangasaryan